Love Trippy. He makes me remember all that is good and worthwhile about this world. While everything and anything else may be hard, Trip and I will always be the same. I miss him, always. He's good people. In fact, when we are awake together, life is a riot...no matter whats happening, its always ok.

It has been a very very long time since I have truly enjoyed time awake, here. Today I have Trip and Isaac to thank for it, and there is not one part of me that isnt greatful for them both.

Thank you. I miss you.

Sometimes it is better to abstain completely, than to endlessly torture yourself with the need of more.

Im not sure what he expected, maybe to walk straight back in like the months hadn't happened, or maybe for him it never seemed like they did, I don't know. I don't know what I expected to happen. I woke and though it pains me to admit, it was for him, I needed to know, answers, questions. Im not sure I got any, but somehow that didnt matter either. There is so much I need to tell him, to say..and yet a guilt stirs in my stomach. This will make a mess of lives, again, and I have no idea what or how, where..I dont even know how to think, but have the dreaded feeling that ultimatetly its my fault.

I never ever expected to see him again and thats the plain truth of it. I thought...knew, in my arrogance and hurt..that he had left..me, everything, whichever. Now it would seem thats not the case, I was expecting some sorry excuse and a statement that would make my anger and loss seem justified. Instead I got a blank, and now Im am completely lost.

He looked so scared, so upset when I did not greet him they way he expected. I could not, my infernal pride would allow me nothing but the face of indifference...he left me. Rejection does not sit well on anyones shoulders. Sometimes I am such a silly girl. What if what he says is true? Some things just cannot be helped.

I wish I knew where I stood, how to deal with this. Why is it, that no matter how much time we spend working at life, we never actually seem to master it? Sods law.

How do you quench something that cannot be stilled? And how do you share something that cannot be split?

He's back, I would like to think it wouldnt affect me, but my heart is in my mouth and my mind trembles when I think about talking to him. He has some explaining to do thats for sure.

Something tells me this is another one of those huge messes looming over my head. But right now, right this second. I would just love to see him, touch him and make sure he is real.

Bleugh.

Im sorry its not longer, more in depth, enthralling, educational or anything useful at all...but that one word defines everything that possibly needs to be said in conjuction ..well, with anything.

So there you have it.

BLEUGH!!